When the Great Outdoors Bites

The great outdoors are... well, great! That is until you come across one of the vicious, biting creatures lurking around every corner out to destroy you and your whole family and everything you love and everything you stand for. The horror! THE HORROR! [caption id="attachment_2483" align="alignnone" width="3168"] She'd just as soon cut you as look at you.[/caption] Okay, I'm kidding. The great outdoors are a safe and fun place to be with few dangers to someone with common sense. But there are a handful of nasty creatures to watch out for while you're enjoying the splendors of nature. Here's what to look for and to do when nature bites. [caption id="attachment_2484" align="alignnone" width="1880"] Stay still, sucker. *stock photo[/caption]

Mosquitoes

These annoying little jerks are everywhere in the Rockies and across Canada over the summer. While they're usually just irritating, mosquitoes can carry serious diseases like West Nile virus and malaria (they cannot carry and transmit HIV contrary to urban legend). The good news is that they're relatively easy to avoid by donning an insect repellent with DEET. If you are bitten by a mossie, brush the tiny terror off instead of swatting it to prevent its blood-sucking proboscis from sinking farther into your skin. It's recommended to wash the bite with soap and water and try not to scratch to prevent infection. You can use an after bite or anti-itch lotion if the bites are driving you crazy. Which they will. Because mosquitoes are jerks and that's how they roll.

Ticks

Ugh. Ticks are grody. Around North America, there are two common ticks that can carry bacteria that causes Lyme disease: the deer tick and the Western black-legged tick. Again, contrary to popular belief, there is no off-season for ticks. They can be active all year long, even during winter if the weather is mild. If you've spent time outdoors, you should do a full body tick check either before you get back in your tent or before entering your home. Which I understand could result in some public indecency charges (or sexy times as per Brad Paisely), so maybe find a bathroom or covered place first. If you do find a tick, brush or swipe it off preferably using something it can't bite in to like a stick or leaf or covered hand. Then curb stomp that sucker. If you find a tick that has that has bitten into the skin, you can remove it with clean tweezers (in your trusty pocket knife) by pinching as close to the skin and the tick's head as possible and gently pulling it straight out. Try not to twist or wrench the vile little thing as you're trying to ensure no part of it is still lodged in the skin.

Watch for an expanding red rash at the bite site - it can be a sign of Lyme disease and you should seek medical attention.

Disinfect the bitten area with soap and water or an alcohol wipe or hand sanitizer. If you find a tick that is further embedded in the skin, go to the doctor as soon as you can. [caption id="attachment_2485" align="alignnone" width="1267"]
Hi there! Imma bite you. *stock photo[/caption]

Horseflies and Deerflies

Both to be slightly larger than a regular fly and certainly more aggressive. They like to hang out near swamps, ponds and running water like creeks and rivers and are only active during spring and summer. I've found these small sadists especially like to bite wet skin. Because you're near water (duh) but also your bug spray has been washed off. Unlike ticks and mosquitoes, these flies actually bite a chunk out of your skin in order to lap up blood. You'll know immediately if one is biting you. Ouch! If you spot a horsefly or deerfly on you, murder that sonofabitch! There's no reason to hold back on these guys, so swat them into a stunned state and then stomp them. Then stomp them again for good measure. Then strut around like the heavyweight champion you are. Generally, these flies don't carry any serious diseases. Just wash the bite zone with soap and water or disinfect it and ice it if you're in pain.

A black widow spider, just waiting to marry you, kill you off and cut your children out of the will.

Black Widow and Brown Recluse Spiders

Our only two venomous arachnid friends are quite rare in Canada. Above is a photo of a black widow spider and here's a photo of the brown recluse spider for reference. Both spiders are fairly small - just larger than a penny. It's very unlikely you'd be bitten by either of these spiders, but just in case here's what to do. Step one: do not panic. Step two: seriously, stop panicking. Step three: ice the bite zone and seek medical attention immediately. Do not apply a tourniquet and do not self-medicate with painkillers or antihistamines prior to receiving professional medical advice. Step four (if you have time and your wits about you): take note of your arachnid assailant. What does it look like? Where are you? What were you doing at the time? This information will help doctors diagnose and treat your bite. [caption id="attachment_2488" align="alignnone" width="1880"] I wish I were on a motherf**king plane with Samuel L. Jackson. *stock photo[/caption]

Rattlesnakes

There are only four venomous snakes in Canada, including two rattlesnakes which are the most commonly encountered "dangerous" snakes. Both the Prairie rattlesnake and the Northern Pacific rattlesnake reside in short-grass prairie and scrubland in arid parts of Alberta and British Columbia. You won't see them while hiking through the Rockies, but if you go to check out the hoodoos or dinosaur digs near Drumheller, Alberta, you may bump into one of these beauties sunning themselves on open patch of dirt or road. They're active from April to October before hibernating in caves.

Rattlesnakes will give you plenty of warning, loudly rattling their tails and rearing before striking. Keep your distance and back away slowly if you hear or see the warning signs.

If you are bitten by a rattlesnake, try to slowly move away from the snake as it may strike again if still feeling threatened and seek immediate emergency medical attention. Remain as still as possible until medical help arrives. Do not engage in strenuous activity. Do not try to suck the venom out. Do not cut the wound to help it bleed. Do not apply a cold compress or self-medicate. You can bandage the bite site with a clean bandage, but not a tourniquet. [caption id="attachment_2490" align="alignnone" width="1880"] Getting bitten by a bear is sure to be a grizzly sight. *stock photo[/caption]

Bears

Okay, if you're getting bitten by a bear you are in big trouble. Leading advice is still to play dead if a bear is attacking. Lie on your stomach, cover your neck with your hands and spread your legs to prevent the bear from flipping you over the best you can. If the attack continues, then give it everything you've got. Fight back as hard as you can as the bear has shifted from inquiry to predatory. Spray it with bear spray, hit it with rocks and shout as loud as you can. If the bear give you a break, run away preferably to a car, shelter or up a tree if possible. I'd advise putting as much effort as you can into avoiding bear aggression by making noise along the trail, giving bears their space, and packing bear spray. [caption id="attachment_2489" align="alignnone" width="1106"] House kitties make the same face when their kibble is five minutes late to the plate. *stock photo[/caption]

Mountain Lions/Cougars

You are dead. Seriously, the only times I have seen cougars in the National Parks are times when they have let us see them. Once when I was a kid, a large cougar was watching my family play by the waterside from the roof of a cooking shelter. We didn't even notice it until it languidly let its tail twitch down the side of the roof's apex. Then it was time for everyone to get BACK IN THE VAN! The other time I remember seeing a cougar was as we floated lazily down a winding river. Something tan was moving very quickly along the shoreline amid the trees. As we pulled our inflatable tubes closer to the river edge to see, the fuzzy blur paused and came enough into view for us to notice it was a large mountain lion and it seemed to be stalking us. We lost it around the river bend, but kept our eyes and ears open for the rest of the day. We probably should have got BACK IN THE CAR! Here's the current best advise for a cougar encounter. Do not break eye contact and back away slowly from the big kitty. Pick up small children and pets. Try to appear as big as possible by holding your arms above your head, stretching your jacket out or coming together as a group. Then be aggressively noisy - shout and wave your arms or sticks and throw rocks. Hopefully Mr. Whiskers will decide you're too much work to eat. If it does attack, fight back immediately and as hard as humanly possible. Protect your neck as best you can.   All things considered, most bites are harmless and serious bites are seriously rare in the great outdoors of the Rocky Mountains. You're far more likely to die of human error or general stupidity than a bite from any of the animals above. Hooray! Hooray? As always, have fun! Don't die.