I’ve Made a Huge Mistake

I’ve made a huge mistake.

This is a phrase I utter more often than I should. Usually, it’s fall out from being defiant or making an impulsive decision. But that’s a rare for me nowadays. As a grown ass adult, I think through decisions before I make them. I am a big fan of the ol’ pros and cons list!

So how come I’m staring down the barrel of my own actions, thinking I’ve made a huge mistake again? The only explanation is my brain is asleep on the job.

Take my recent job search. I left a stable job at a big corporation because I was frustrated and struggling. Before deciding to quit, I made a list of reasons why I was leaving. I had to leave the bureaucracy, hierarchy, constant reorganizations and toxic corporate culture behind. I discovered life in a big corporation just wasn’t for me.

Leaving was not a huge mistake, as I feared it could be. Leaving was energizing – I had a chance to find a new challenge in a new environment. Something I could be excited about, that gave me energy and a reason to get up in the morning. 

I applied for jobs in different fields, industries and types of companies – charities, start-ups, agencies, wherever I thought I could add value. After interviewing with a handful of organizations, I accepted a role at a mission-driven non-profit. They do great work and I was excited to be a part of the team. 

Admittedly, the role was too junior. Rationally, I knew that going in but experiencing it day in and day out was a different matter. Once on the job, I was bored and not learning new skills. It bothered me more than I thought. 

I had faith I could make the role more challenging by asking for more responsibilities. But then the phone rang, and it changed everything.

Opportunity Calls

Out of the blue, I got a call from a company I had interviewed with a couple months back. I thought my interviews went well, and I was disappointed I didn’t receive an offer. At the same time, I wasn’t sure the role was right for me. It was a communications job at a large, multi-national corporation. It was supporting a handful of corporate functions – very dry and businessy. 

This call was to offer me the same job but working with different groups – now I would support Sustainability, Diversity & Inclusion and Stakeholder Relations. That’s my jam! 

The new position was more senior, came with a higher salary and was in my areas of expertise. On paper, it was perfect. I yelled into the phone “When does this even happen?!”

I took it. And it was a huge mistake. 

Reality Hits

Remember all those reasons why I left my corporate job? Well, I sure didn’t! 

Just to be clear, there was nothing wrong with the job itself. The company is thriving. My client groups were enthusiastic and excited. My teammates were friendly and welcoming. But something was wrong.

I felt worn out all the time from dealing with IT, decrypting HR paperwork, sitting in endless meetings, staring at the grey walls of my cubicle, mechanically responding to emails or vacantly writing another one-pager/briefing note. I had just started and I was already disengaged. 

The new strategies and new programs the company was launching were not new to me. Nor were the barriers and limitations and challenges. I had done this before, which is why I was a “perfect fit” for the role. It all seemed so familiar… 

The Fallout

I had travelled back in time. Back to a time when I was unhappy with my job and struggling with my mental health. I had put myself right back in the path of frustration and blindly charged ahead. 

More than any issue with the role, I was having a hard time going back to corporate life. I’ve read it before and I’ll read it again: employees quit bad cultures or over culture clashes. 

I decided to walk away. 

Resigning was difficult because I couldn’t point to any one issue or problem with the job. I was awash with unwanted emotions (ugh, you know how much I luuurve emotions). I was angry at myself for so easily forgetting why I left corporate life. I felt guilt for letting my new bosses and team down. I felt ungrateful because I didn’t want, what was on paper, a perfect job. I was embarrassed things hadn’t worked out, especially because I told everyone how excited I was for the new role. I was ashamed I made my references vouch for me again. 

All I could say was I’d made a huge mistake. 

Maybe it was a mistake I had to make again. I now know for sure what I need to leave behind. It is a lesson I’ll take with me as I move forward. I don’t know what my next steps will be, but figuring out what type of culture I barely survived versus one in which I can thrive in is a step in the right direction.