What am I Worth?

It’s rare I find myself being the cautious or the meek one in an adventure, let alone a conversation. Usually, I’m comfortable speaking my mind, asking bold questions and offering my take on things. But at a recent job interview, I was asked a question that threw me for a loop. I found myself shocked and with nothing to say – which is hard to do! It was a small question with a big impact that left me uncomfortable and questioning my confidence. The interview I was at the tail end of a fun and unconventional interview for an exciting role at an tech startup. I had brought them on board as a service provider for my former company. As I said to the interviewer, I’d connected with their mission and culture immediately. As their service offerings expanded, we expanded our programs. As their mission advanced and became more progressive, our mission advanced.

I felt like I was participating in their growth and success, all the while knowing I wasn’t truly a part of it. So I decided to try and make it official. I began applying for roles and my enthusiasm must have shone through as I made it through the door to an interview.

The interview was refreshing. We didn’t sit there reading my resume or go through a terrible list of behavioural questions. We had a natural discussion about aspirations for the role – what things should get done and how they could get done. Then I made it weird. As every job seeker does, I had been interviewing with other organizations. I had two formal offers on the table I was negotiating. I had to know about next steps in the process and whether I could make the timing work for this role to be a contender. The interviewer explained they take a slow and immersive approach to hiring. The process could take a few weeks or months. My heart sank. She must have seen it on my face because she said “That doesn’t work for you, does it?” I wanted to explain I had offers on the table and the timing would be a challenge. Instead, I found myself uncontrollably babbling about how I could really see myself here. About how I want to be a part of this culture. About how I know so many of the employees already. About how I had carefully managed my finances and didn't want to go into debt. About blah blah blah, tears swelling in my eyes. I ended my incoherent diatribe with: “Financially, I don’t think I can risk waiting. I’m out of money.” DID I REALLY JUST SAY THAT?! Guess I know what I'll be replaying over and over in my mind while my eyes are bugging out of my head, staring at the ceiling in panicked self-reflection at 2:00 am for the foreseeable future.

But that wasn’t even the worst of it – it wasn’t even the question that had me taken aback. The big little question After my pathetic babble, the interviewer asked for my salary expectations – a simple and expected question. Ready for this, I gave her a number. A number I had carefully researched based on published salaries, conferring with my contacts at the company, market data for equivalent roles and their financial publications. I thought I had a target that was right on the money. I thought I knew what this company would pay me for what I could bring to this role. The question that rattled me followed: “Why so little?” Bam! I froze with my mouth gaping open like a goldfish and immediately began spinning out. My logic and research had failed me. Where did my calculations go wrong?! Were my calculations wrong?!?!

As I did my best impression of a guppy, my interviewer asked if she could be blunt. We had been so far and clearly I’m blurting out whatever comes to mind, so why the hell not? She said as a strong supporter of women in tech, she had seen women not asking for what they deserved too many times. She asked if I thought I didn’t deserve to make more. Because I was still frozen in fish face, she asked what I was making in my last job. Eventually, quietly, meekly I responded that I didn’t feel comfortable disclosing that information. Whoa. What is happening here? Does this mean something personal to me? I must be (ugh) emoting again, because I don’t shy away from tough conversations. Did I not know my true value? Money is emotional Case in point, I had applied for a role with a non-profit organization I was excited about. I was telling an acquaintance about the role. The first question she asked was "what do they pay?" Rude, but I assumed she was showing interest or concern. I told her about the salary and benefits, clarifying charities don’t pay as well as big corporations but I was excited about their mission. To which she responded, “Oh, that’s less than I make.” She smiled and took a sip of tea.

Her smug satisfaction that I would be earning less than her made me feel I was less than her. And it hurt. So when my interviewer had asked “why so little” about my salary expectations, it felt like she was asking “why do you think so little of yourself”. Defining my Worth When I thought about it, I was holding on to a belief that salary was the main marker of my value. It had led me to passing up opportunities that could have been right for my career and skill growth because they seemed wrong for my wallet. Don't get me wrong – money is important. I have expenses and a budget. I know what I need to make to get by and what I need to earn to live my dream life. But there's more to a career than a paycheque. I had learned that lesson before leaving my high-paying job with a big corporation. So I took a deep breath and found my voice. I told my interviewer it took hard work to break the mental connection between job salary and my value. In this case, I didn’t think I was devaluing or undervaluing myself; I had simply been led astray by my research. We awkwardly stared at each other for a moment before she thanked me for letting her be frank. I thanked her for digging deeper with her questions. We chatted a little on the way to the elevator and then I left. I left without a job or even a second interview. I'd left things up in the air. I accepted one of the offers I had on the table, which I now regret. But, I left with admiration for the interviewer’s courage in asking challenging questions, for not letting it go when things got awkward. I left knowing it was time to define value in terms I had control over, that I could be proud of and that I could work to achieve.

Illustrations copyright Jeff Dickson jeffdicksondesigns.com.